So
So, Team Evo
Here we are - blog piece number 1! As stated on instagram, disclaimer - its a bit sweary!
Writing stuff down has always been an out for my brain, its how I process stuff, its where some of my whackiest and most stupid ideas and arguments come from, and half the reason I walk around like a zombie because my brain wouldn’t switch off until i’d wasted more bedside notebooks, I know a lot of people who can relate.
So I’ve decided to share it all, my inner thoughts and feelings, parts of me that you probably didn’t know existed, or if you do know me probably did know existed but sat somewhere beneath that Fresh Ego Kid exterior. Jimmy deep down isn’t always the Jimmy that greets you at the door, parts of this will be exposed and you may not always find what you think your going to, and to be fair that is probably the reason I’ve never done it before. The fear of the response, the fear of that first comment or being ‘called out' and people finding out that I’m actually a little strange, but I think thats the beauty of having the courage to leave it all out there, once its done theres no going back.
SO, here goes...
Lets talk!
A little bit about mental health. Its a topic which comes and goes, something that pre lockdown was beginning to rear its head and was beginning to lose its stigma - but due to the obvious reasons has again taken a backseat..
Now ill be honest, im a bloke - a semi young one, who majority of the time keeps his feelings to himself, although according to mother i wear them on my face - like most of us ill be absolutely fine. But as such a 'sceptic' of all that is life and someone who questions absolutely everything as well as being a typically hard faced bloke - i dont mind admitting to you now, that im fucking struggling.
Now, not to a point where there is any cause for concern, at all in fact. Its just, abit, shit.. and i can tell you first hand, i think its normal - nothing to hide from and absolutely a real thing.
Its funny because i was the same as everyone i know, the first few weeks of this virus were worrying for me, not so much about business or economics or politics, but family and friends, health, and ultimately not dieing.. Things that really 'matter', but 6 months into 3 weeks to protect the NHS, the threats of more restrictions and no sign of returning to normal life. It turns out, and who woulda thought it, that all of the above things actually do matter, and its beginning to take its toll.
Now like i said, in reality i have no reasons to whinge - im living my own dream, ive got a beautiful girlfriend and two beautiful kids, ive built the gym, which i fucking love and im working hard every day to try and build a future for said children and girlfriend.. But still, i struggle - and its not just me, a lot of my close circle, including the boys in the gym all say the same thing. The second i stop - teaching, training, or taking the kids to the park, i sink into this downward spiral of 'meh' im 100% not depressed, but fuck me will this bollocks ever end.
Now as a sceptical person to say the least, (and to keep it polite). I have with age developed the ability to remove emotion from any (most) situation(s) and look at life through a factual, and logical lens, even if my grammar is shit - now im not gonna fall down that rabbit hole of PCR tests, asymptomatic bollocks and the shit show that is currently british polictics because that truly is conversation for another day.. But making decisions based purely upon emotional response is rarely going to end well. Yet our absolute disaster of a government continue to do so.
Now i am a VERY level headed person, i think literally every school report said the same thing 'anymore laid back and Jimmy would be horizontal' so the reason i bring this all up is last week, and i dont mind admitting this.. I had a little wobble - a very isolated, foggy eared, tunnel vision moment. For that split second, surrounded by people i just disappeared for a short while, not exactly a blackout but i didnt really know where I was. It was a strange situation, sat with family and a conversation started to which i had an input too, but i thought fuck it knowone really cares what you think, (because again, I say what I see and tend not to mince my words) .. and boom! Hello ringing ears! Bizarre. Never happened to me ever before, and this is 100% not a cry for help. But it made me think, if ive never experienced anything like that before and all this shit is making me feel like this - how are other people, who do float on the edge coping?!
Now, disclaimer.. i will add that in typical me fashion, i ran and hid in the pub, 5 pints of birra moretti later (other brands are available) and I was back in the room.. But it is what precedes that 'moment' and how to carry on moving forwards which is whats made me want to write this piece.
For me its not such a simple answer, ive never experienced anything like it before, so its hard to draw on life experience. The toughest and most stressful decision i ever made stemmed from being a miserable shift worker, and a piece of advice from aforementioned mother 'you are not a tree jimmy' - 12 months later i quit my job and opened a gym whilst £500 overdrawn, and other than im very lucky that its been pretty plain sailing, so it definitely isnt something i truly understand.
But one thing i do whole heartedly believe in is that you are, to a degree, a product of your environment, and like mrs hayns eluded too, 'you are not a tree' - move. Change something, take some responsibility, remove toxicity from your surroundings, seek positive people, create positive situations and do everything in your power to get through it, because tough times dont last, tough people do.
And of course, like everything in life (and i mean everything) there is a very valid counter argument to all the cliches above - but i counter your counter with this. Life comes down to one true reading, desire - where theres a will theres a way. Be it a career change, a body goal, or just saving for that really oddly overpriced pair of shoes, life is a choice between what you desire most now, versus what you desire most overall. As adults we need to make decisions, and knowone wants to be miserable.. So remove your emotions from your thought process, i promise things will look clearer.
So i suppose the over riding message is this... feel abit shit? Talk, train, i mean fuck it, write it down! Its 1130pm and after a 16 hour day im scribbling this all down in bed on my phone because i can't sleep. Share it with someone, even if they dont want to listen, make them. Fuck it, call in the gym and we can slag off whitty and hancock together if you want, its become a favourite pass time of mine - ill put the kettle on!
We cant fix everyones problems in here i know we cant, christ we have enough of our own to deal with. But we will all always do our best to help, the door is open - member or not. Just don't get too close! LOL.
So as our minmon would say, hakuna matata - and dont let the bastards get you down!!!
Until next time..
Jimmy